I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
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Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
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I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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