if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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