Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
