OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
