apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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