so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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