I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
