I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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