why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
