apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
