Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
