I must be too annoying 4 u.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
