I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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