your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
