I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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