There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
