life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My day in three words: secret purse cake
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
