There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
