do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
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only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
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Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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