I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
