He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
