I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Randomize
