I need to stop coming to work sober
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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