Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I stole a fireplace last night.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
