I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
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That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
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Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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