then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
