You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
