You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
