theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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