I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Randomize
