theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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