The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
