I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I faked an abortion last night.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
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I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
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If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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