So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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