first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
