Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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