She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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