I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
