Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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