I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
