Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
