I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
