I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
