i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
