i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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