at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
you had me at cake vodka
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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