I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Come share oat with me in your robe
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
