My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
