she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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