dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
