This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
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The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
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Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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