So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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