last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
